Tuesday, January 12, 2010
i think i'm most self-destructive whenever i brood. maybe it makes up for the fact i am kinda neurotic. lately.. i just find myself taking hits on everything and it's seriously depressing.
people carry different ideas of who i am but really, WHO AM I to myself? even after posing the question a week ago, i have no answers. for as long as i can remember, my main description is that 'you're really good in English' or 'you like to read a lot'. and so what? if i died tomorrow, would that be on my grave? like 'great at English' or 'voracious reader' or something equally mundane? okay, maybe loved by all is bland and much more overused but i digress.
i'm not interested in being some rude bitch and/or SPG but i'm not clamoring to be some kind of scholar either.
and maybe that's what worries me. i have no goals. at least none that my parents would approve of. (yes, i get that i'm 18 and i have my own mind and therefore can make my own rational decisions) but i can't be like some people and wait around and party and hopefully get hitched to some rich guy before their looks fade and he starts dickering around.. again, i digress.
so yeah. i think maybe the hiatus coming up might be time for me to do some soul-searching.
people carry different ideas of who i am but really, WHO AM I to myself? even after posing the question a week ago, i have no answers. for as long as i can remember, my main description is that 'you're really good in English' or 'you like to read a lot'. and so what? if i died tomorrow, would that be on my grave? like 'great at English' or 'voracious reader' or something equally mundane? okay, maybe loved by all is bland and much more overused but i digress.
i'm not interested in being some rude bitch and/or SPG but i'm not clamoring to be some kind of scholar either.
and maybe that's what worries me. i have no goals. at least none that my parents would approve of. (yes, i get that i'm 18 and i have my own mind and therefore can make my own rational decisions) but i can't be like some people and wait around and party and hopefully get hitched to some rich guy before their looks fade and he starts dickering around.. again, i digress.
so yeah. i think maybe the hiatus coming up might be time for me to do some soul-searching.
what we could have been, 10:39 pm.
